


(oh we could be) stars

by plantbasedwritings



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Adventure, Fanfic, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Louis and Harry - Freeform, M/M, MxM - Freeform, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, mentions of selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-09-28 07:03:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17178170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantbasedwritings/pseuds/plantbasedwritings
Summary: The one in which Harry wants to go on an adventure to explore the world and Louis just wants to explore his heart first.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Alessia Cara's 'Stars'.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it started.

_**You stay in my head** _

_When it started again_ , it didn't seem like it would be this severe. As Louis sat in his room, feeling numb and staring straight ahead at his poster of Freddie Mercury on the blue wall of his small bedroom in his hometown of Bibury, it felt like regular sadness. Not the kind of sadness, darkness, he had just (kind of) 'overcome', he had just found happiness again. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, apart from Louis' eyes not being bright and him not smiling his blinding smile, that is.

He was waiting for Harry to knock on his bedroom door after Louis' mother, Jay, had let him in. The thing is, Harry hadn't even arrived at his home yet, and that was so un-Harry-like, that Louis was actually starting to get more worried with every minute on his loudly ticking clock that passed.

Louis found himself thinking quite a lot about the curly haired boy recently, and now that it struck his mind, he couldn't quite grasp why that was. The two boys had been friends for almost all their lives, and with Harry being two years younger than Louis, the older boy had always felt incredibly protective over the green-eyed boy. It was only now, that Harry stayed in his head whenever and wherever.

Louis thought about how Harry would always tell the dumbest puns, and get excited over the smallest things. That was one of the things Louis loved most about his best friend; that he was always able to find happiness in the smallest of things. Louis however, was always able to find sadness and darkness in the smallest of things. Over the years, he had gotten better and better at being incredibly pessimistic, and even though he didn't want to always ruin the mood, it seemed like that was all he ever did.

Even though Harry was his best friend, Louis always felt insecure when he was around the younger boy, and recently it seemed to be getting worse, for some reason. Louis had always wanted to be more like Harry, as did almost everyone in town, but he had gradually learned to accept that he and Harry were nothing alike. Besides that, that's probably one of the reasons they became such great friends.

The door slammed against the wall as Harry basically threw it open and stood there in the doorway with the biggest grin on his face, his dimples popping out en his hair somehow sitting perfectly on his head. Louis was pulled out of the depths of his mind where all those thoughts floated harshly.

With big eyes, he sat on his bed watching the younger boy, who had definitely not gotten a haircut in a great while, as his chocolate brown curls were almost touching his shoulders by now. It looked incredibly good on him, especially since he was so confident and happy all the time. Harry was one of those people who just radiate happiness and brightness all of the time. Another thing Louis wasn't, and couldn't ever be, he thought bitterly.

"Lou? You there lad?" Louis warily looked up at the green-eyed boy who was standing there with his never-ending legs and smiled with crinkled eyes.

"Yeah, sorry Haz. I'm a bit tired." His voice sounded hoarse, as he hadn't been talking all day. Harry's smile wavered, and he looked at Louis with concern radiating from him. He studied Louis' face for a few seconds, before he spoke softly with his husky voice, "Is everything okay, then? Anything you want to talk about?"

Louis just smiled softly, but even Harry could see that it wasn't genuine at all. "I'm okay Haz, don't worry about it. What were you just so excited about to tell me?"

At that Harry's face lit up again, and a big smile stretched over his face. "Oh Lou, I saw the cutest dog today at the bakery. You should have seen her, you love dogs. I believe it was a golden retriever, I've never seen anything that cute in my entire life."

As Harry spoke so excitedly, Louis couldn't help an enormous grin from stretching over his face and a fond look from appearing. Harry always did that to him, he brought so many smiles and happiness with him.

"She kept wagging her tail and sniffed everything and, Louis, I really have to adopt a dog in the near future. I'm not sure I can handle seeing any more cute dogs to brighten up my day at work." Harry gushed.

"That sounds amazing Haz, wish I could've been there to see her myself," Louis replied, still smiling at the boy who was still standing in the doorway. "What are you standing there? Come join me on my bed!"

Harry giggled and practically skipped over, jumped on the bed and hugged Louis tightly. Another thing that Louis loved so much about Harry; his unbelievably warm and comforting hugs that could cure any kind of sadness. Louis breathed in Harry's scent as he put his head in the crook of his neck, his curls tickling his face as both of the boys smiled and sat there for a while with their eyes closed.

They were lucky to have found each other, and they were even more lucky to have found their best friend in one another. Their bond was impossibly strong and powerful, and anyone could see that. The two boys shared their love and bonded over so many things, even though they were so different.

Where Harry was always bright and optimistic, Louis always found himself to be pessimistic and easily down. Harry was happy more often than he was sad, Louis was sad more often than he was happy. But no one really knew that everyone thought he 'got over it'. There wasn't anything to get over, others would say.

But there was, and they didn't understand it. Of course, most people understood the psychological experience of sadness, but that was nothing compared to the black hole Louis got sucked into every so often. Some days he was happy, without a care in the world - other days he wished he'd never been born at all and believed he'd be better off dead.

And that's where the barrier was. Whenever someone saw him happy one day, and sad and depressed the other, they didn't believe nor understand the actual pain he was going through. Everyone always underestimates the power of depression and believes it's the same as feeling 'sad', or 'blue'. They don't understand what he's going through, what other people with depression might be going through as well.

Besides that, they didn't believe he had a reason to be depressed. And so, when he finally started feeling better with help of a professional, and Harry to make it through, they thought they'd heard the end of it.

They had, but Louis hadn't. He promised himself to never share that part of himself ever again, would never show anyone his darkest thoughts and desires. He'd never let his guard down again, never share the state of tremendous imbalance both his mind and body were in.

Because people seemed to like to liken clinical depression to mere 'sadness', not understanding that that's the same as likening life-threatening pneumonia to a case of the sniffles.

Louis felt cold inside, without Harry next to him to make his days brighter with every smile he shared with the world. Harry meant the world to Louis, and he didn't know where he'd be and who he'd be without the green-eyed boy by his side.

"Lou? You're spacing out again. Are you sure everything is okay?" Harry broke the silence in the room and the loud sounds of Louis' thoughts with those words, his voice soft and gentle.

Louis quickly pulled back from their intense hug and shrunk in on himself. He bowed his head a little before he met Harry's soft but strong gaze with his own vulnerable one. Blue met green, and yet again, all breath was knocked out of Louis and he couldn't find the right words to say.

He just nodded his head softly instead, not recognising the emotions that washed over him.

Another thing Louis loved so much about Harry. How he always acted like the youngest out of them - as he was - and always was so chirpy and bright, but could turn into a strong and kind grown-up whenever he felt something was wrong (especially if there was something wrong with Louis). With Harry around, Louis always felt like he could take over the world and it'd be easy like he could overcome any fear and all the self-consciousness that was stored inside of his small frame.

Harry always knew the right words to say and the right actions to take, treating everyone with kindness and protecting his loved ones with his strong soul. Louis wished he was able to do that, too.

"Did anything else happen at the bakery today?" Louis asked, trying to take the focus off of himself and trying to actually listen to what Harry had to say instead of spacing off every ten seconds.

"Um, not really? It was quite busy so I..." Harry started talking, continuing about some weird customers he encountered today and delicious pastries he made.

Louis couldn't focus at all on what Harry was talking about. Instead, he found himself lost in the depth of his moss green eyes that held so many emotions, and in the pink and plump lips that spoke the most profound words and accentuated so thoroughly.

Looking at Harry talk always made Louis calm down in the weirdest of ways. He could listen to Harry talk and not actually hear nor understand what the younger boy said because he had been so unfocused these past few weeks, and still feel at peace.

He saw the curly haired boy grin with a slight blush on his cheeks, making a soft pink glow spread over his face as his dimples popped out and he asked breathily,

"What're you lookin' at, Lou?"

With big blue eyes Louis looked into Harry's Bambi-like green ones, and yet again, all breath was knocked out of him.

"I'm sorry Haz, I-..." Louis tried to gather his thoughts as he took a deep breath through his nose.

"I spaced out again?" He said, questioning if that was really what happened. What if he was too fixated on Harry's beauty?

But that couldn't be it, because Louis and Harry were Louis&Harry. Best friends and not lovers of any kind, besides platonic. Also, Louis wasn't even gay, so where was this whole discussion in his head coming from?

"I think you did." Harry smiled softly at him before he breathed out and asked,

"So what about the whole exploring thing? You know, discovering the world and taking it over together? Are we both still up for doing that?"

Louis frowned, trying to recall when they had talked about that before it came back to him.

"Yeah, after your eighteenth birthday young Harold. That's what we both agreed to."

Harry sighed and after a moment, pouted.

"But Lou, why can't we go now? We have nothing left to lose before we know it this dead town has eaten us alive and then we'll be like all those grumpy old people who live here."

Louis laughed. It was a real, genuine laugh. One that hadn't been heard by anyone for a while now. Harry grinned again.

"We won't okay? Don't worry, we'll make it out of here alive. I want you to celebrate your eighteenth birthday with your parents and sister before we leave, so you can tell them a proper goodbye."

Harry just looked at him with big eyes.

"Haz, you promised you wouldn't make this more difficult than it already is. I want to leave just as bad as you do, but we have to stay here a little longer. Can you please do that for me?"

Harry sighed and smiled sadly before he pulled Louis in for a big warm hug again. "Only because it's you, Lou."

Louis smiled into the crook of Harry's neck and hummed softly. "Thank you, Haz. I love you."

"I love you, too."

—

After Harry had left around seven o' clock that evening, Louis found himself locked up in his bedroom again, listening to his vinyl record of 'Low' by David Bowie. It was one of his favourites, and he listened to it at least twice a day, if not more often.

He tried not to think about Harry as much, but it was no use. For some reason, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering to the younger boy whom he loved so much.

Harry was his best friend, and Louis had never been so close with another person before in his life. Their bond was special, and Louis was so grateful to have him in his life.

"Louis, dinner's ready!" Jay, Louis' mother, yelled from downstairs. Louis sighed and stood up from his comfortable position on his bed, walking out of his room and down the stairs to eat dinner with his family.

When he arrived he saw his two sisters looking at him from the dining table, and he moved to sit down there as well when his mother asked,

"Lou dear, could you get the vegetables and some more silverware?" Louis nodded and padded over to the kitchen barefoot, taking his time getting everything he needed to bring and recollecting his thoughts. No more thinking of his best friend, he needed to get away from that place and spend some time with his beloved family.

He walked over to the dining table again, and as he placed the things he retrieved from the kitchen on the table, he tried to immerse himself into the conversation and listen to what his dad had to tell about his day at work. He sat down and listened while putting some food on his plate, getting ready to finally eat something after a long day of doing, well, nothing.

"So as there's just some banter about past relationships, the fücking fairy thinks it's okay for him to say that he's into men! How dare he dirty our workspace like that? I'm so done with all those attention seeking fags."

Louis felt a wave of nausea wash over him, for some reason, and he felt incredibly sick to the stomach. He couldn't believe his ears. Of course, he knew that his parents weren't exactly 'okay' with homosexual men, but he would've never expected it to be this bad.

It was silent for a while, before Jay asked, "What happened after that?"

"He got fired, that's what happened. For the better, too. I don't need a fücking poofter walking around my workplace and annoying everyone with his overly flamboyant queerness."

As he sat there on his stool with wide eyes, taking in everything that was happening, the blue-eyed boy shared a look with his two sisters from across the table. He raised his eyebrows in confusion and they did the same, not understanding their father's outburst and seemingly pure anger towards his ex-colleague.

His father slammed his glass on the table after he had taken a few sips of his water and said, "I'm really glad he's gone now, though. I don't know what I would've done to him if I ever saw him in there again. And to believe I actually liked him at first! Homosexuality is a sin and I can't believe some people think it's anywhere near okay to be that sinful."

A look of disgust washed over his face. Still not understanding why he was feeling this way about his father's reaction to what had happened at work today, Louis looked at him with watery eyes, and for not at all the first time ever, he felt uncomfortable in the place he called home.

Louis also didn't quite understand his own reaction. Why did he feel so hurt and beaten by his fathers blatant, well, homophobia? Why did it feel like it concerned him? He wasn't gay and had never doubted his sexuality.

He was doubting it right now though, which was not something he had ever thought he'd do. Wasn't this supposed to come naturally to one, not making them question every single thing in their life, and everything they've ever accomplished? Sexual orientation doesn't define someone's dreams or worth at all, but at that moment Louis felt like it did.

But there wasn't even anything to worry about, because he's straight. As straight as a pole, for God's sake. Pole's don't bend, and especially not Louis Tomlinson. He was just questioning random things that didn't matter because they didn't concern him at all.

He still didn't feel well at all, though. His appetite was completely gone by now, and he sighed for a moment before he put his head in his hands to make the throbbing of his painful headache go away. It didn't work - he needed to be alone.

He shoved his plate, the food on it still untouched, away from him and stood up. "I don't feel too well, I think it's better if I'm headed off to bed."

His mother looked at him with worry in her eyes. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No thanks, enjoy dinner."

Louis sighed as he walked away, some sick form of a dread feeling forming a knot in his stomach. His thoughts were frantic and his heart hammered in his chest, his breathing ragged. With his back turned towards his parents and sisters he frowned deeply, a grimace dirtying his features as he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for his painful and maybe even unholy thought to go away.

Louis had never understood how people could find others being themselves and expressing themselves in a certain way such a big deal. Sure, you can simply not like something, but to feel such hatred towards something that isn't even supposed to matter in the first place, was madness to Louis. He also had never understood why he always took stupid things like this so hard.

And so, with a heavy heart and his mind stuck in that dark and painful black hole in his head again, Louis found himself laying down in bed later that night, thinking about what had happened and his own reaction and feeling to it, trying to calm himself down by thinking of Harry's smile.


	2. two

_**An uphill climb, fighting what the heart really wants to do** _

_With dark thoughts flooding his mind_ , Louis couldn't sleep that night. He couldn't figure out what it was that set him off and made him upset like that, and it was driving him insane. It happened more often now that he couldn't sleep when he was alone with his thoughts at night, and with this new topic that was put so roughly in his fragile mind, there was no way he was going to fall asleep peacefully for at least a week.

So he sat there on his bed in the dark, earphones plugged in his ears and the volume all the way up as he listened to Queen's 'Who wants to live forever'. It's a powerful song, he thought, as it really acknowledges the brevity of our lives and how ultimately, death takes it away. For some people that's by choice, for others, it certainly isn't.

Louis used to wish he could just die already, and leave this hell hole filled with darkness and cruelty behind, not only saving himself but also saving others from him as well. He wished he could end it all at once, without regret or guilt and without anyone to miss him. Those thoughts and deep-felt emotions weren't the only things that hurt him at the time, as he would find little ways to destruct himself piece by piece.

But then, the song continues on, sharing how one can live forever, and not die in pain and regret. How living forever is possible when there is not a future nor a past, how only living in the present will make you live forever, happily.

Sometimes, even back then when he was bad, Louis wished he could live forever, but he had never felt like it could actually become something real until he met Harry.

Harry, with his stupid blinding smile and dimples and soft chocolate brown curls and plump pink lips and green eyes that twinkled as he spoke about how great and beautiful the world and life both are. Harry who made Louis believe that by not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future, and by being there in the now, they could live forever.

All he had to do was change the focus of his mind, and in a matter of time Harry had convinced him: they could live forever and explore the world together, like the best friends they were.

Louis' sadness, pain, depression, hadn't just left him to be like that though. Because that was the problem. He could feel like he was on top of the world one second and look up ways to kill himself quickly the next. That was how life was for him, how it always had been. That hadn't changed, Louis hadn't changed. The people around him were just too stupid to believe him when he told them he was 'fine' and felt 'a lot better, thanks'. No one could see what was going on inside his head.

Harry could, kind of – he was getting better at it, at least. But right now, that wasn't what Louis wanted him to do. He didn't want to share his pain with him, even though his heart really did want just that.

The song ended, and so did Louis' roller coaster of thoughts. He took out his headphones and put his phone down on his nightstand before sitting back and leaning against his bedroom wall and sitting on his white bed sheets.

He couldn't believe that even now, he thought of Harry. It seemed like the boy haunted him in his thoughts, making everything in Louis' mind turn to him, no matter the subject.

Louis would lie if he were to say he didn't like thinking of Harry, but as of now, it was starting to get a little weird. Was it normal for best friends to think of each other during everything that happened?

It certainly wasn't, Louis thought. He frowned, confused about what was up with him, why he couldn't stop adoring his best friend like that. The thing was, Harry truly was adorable, beautiful, admirable. Everyone loved him, and as his best friend, of course, Louis did, too. All of a sudden, his father's words from earlier that evening came back to him.

"Homosexuality is a sin and I can't believe some people think it's anywhere near okay to be that sinful."

Those words had pained Louis deeply, and he frowned again upon hearing them in his mind. Why had his father put it like that, why did he despise homosexual men so bad? Why did Louis feel so attacked and nauseated by those words?

Why was Louis questioning his own sexuality now? His father's outburst had, in fact, kind of put some things into perspective for him, and he knew that even though it made things even more confusing, he should also be thankful.

As for now, he knew a few things: he couldn't stop thinking about Harry, he was questioning his sexuality, which, don't even get him started, and his father hates anyone who's anything but straight. So, that's a lot of fun and great for Louis' invisible but ongoing recovery.

Now that he had come at this point though, Louis couldn't stop thinking about him possibly being gay. He had truly never thought of it before that night, but as he thought more of it, he did... Well, he did feel a certain attraction to men, or a definite boy. A boy with green eyes and soft curls and plump pink lips-

Louis was just repeating himself when describing Harry, at this point. All he could think about when he thought of his green-eyed friend was his beauty, how his curls always framed his face perfectly, how his eyes always shone so bright. How his lips were so full and plump and how his dimples would pop out when even the slightest hint of a smile ghosted his face. How he loved stupid tattoos and gradually kept getting more and more of them, most of them matching with Louis'.

They were sappy sometimes, and so close, and Louis would never want to break their strong bond by something as stupid as him being possibly maybe being gay of all things, and plausibly in love with his best friend.

Louis felt disgusted by himself. The look he had seen on his father's face he now felt in his own weak heart. He had never thought there was anything wrong with homosexual men before, but as it was too close to home now for his liking, with his fragile body and heart being so confused and dark thoughts clouding over his mind and taking over his life. With his parents both despising the people Louis almost maybe could relate to.

But he wouldn't, ever in his life, relate to them. Because Louis Tomlinson couldn't be gay, swore to himself that he wouldn't be. For he didn't have the heart to hurt the boy he loved with all he was. He could never corrupt Harry and lose him forever. Louis needed Harry, and he hoped Harry felt the same. Even without the underlying tones of undying, non-platonic, forceful love Louis' heart carried, and would always carry.

Louis wouldn't pain Harry. He'd rather destroy himself.

___

The next morning, Louis woke up with a stiff back and a kink in his neck. He tried to sit up straighter, but failed with a groan and fell down to the left, his head hitting the pillow for the first time since he had fallen asleep.

His cheeks hurt from the dried tear streaks, and realization of his mistake, his sin, came back to him as he laid on his bed and closed his eyes. What he had thought a few hours earlier was true, though. No matter the pain he'd have to go through, Louis would build his walls back up and keep Harry at a safe distance to save him from himself and his unholy mind.

His phones buzzed with a text message from Harry which said, 'You still up for going to the park later today?'

Louis sighed softly and thought about it for a second, but couldn't bear cancelling their weekly meet up at the park. With school for one and work for the other, it was getting harder with each passing day to see each other for the two boys, and Louis could hurt Harry's feelings by making those few times even more scarce.

He sat up straight and texted the curly haired boy back quickly,

'Sure dear Harold. See you at 12.'

He smiled at the thought of seeing Harry again in a few hours. It was only 9 o'clock right now, so he had about three hours to get himself ready and mentally prepare himself for what was yet to come. Quickly, he made a promise with himself; he wouldn't ever hurt Harry, no matter the occasion.

So, with three hours left to go, Louis put his phone back down on his nightstand, not waiting for a reply from the green-eyed boy, and let himself fall face down on his pillow again, to hopefully catch some more sleep before it was time to get ready to leave.

When he opened his eyes ago only about an hour and a half later, Louis rubbed his eyes vigorously to try and be less sleepy, so he could start getting ready for what he was starting to dread: see the boy who wouldn't leave his thoughts again.

He had gotten a few more text messages from Harry telling him about this crazy dream the curly haired boy had had that night. He did that often, spam Louis with unhinged stories that had played in his mind while he was sleeping. Things about three-headed dragons, unicorns and ultimately even love.

And not just platonic love, no, Harry sometimes dreamed about romantic love with someone he'd share his future with. Someone he'd live together with, see the world with, explore his heart and his capability of true and pure love with. The idea of love frightened Louis, as he would have to change so much about himself before he would finally be able to love a girl and give her his all in the future, as Harry would.

Harry's story about this dream started with a few typed texts, but after a while, he had switched to voice messages, because he could talk faster that way and tell Louis everything he had in mind.

"And I swear Louis, I have never seen something that weird. All the people in the room had waffles as heads. Waffles! How did I ever come up with that?" Text-message Harry laughed, "Then, after I had sort of accepted the fact that the people surrounding me were waffle-men, someone took a giant bite out of the head of one of them, and he died because of that. We had a funeral for him, and it was so sad, Louis. I woke up crying, then I had to laugh and then I cried because I laughed so much."

Louis stared at the phone in confusion, what the hell was Harry talking about? Who even has such dreams? This one definitely had to beat his dreams about love, the blue-eyed boy thought.

Louis types back, 'Harold, you're one of the craziest people I've ever met.'

To which Harry immediately replies in that cheeky way he so often does, 'But you love it.'

The blue-eyed boy sighed softly and frowned. "That I do indeed," he spoke softly with that same frown still grazing his features like dark clouds on a beautiful spring day.

Stifling a yawn, he put his phone back down on his nightstand and sat up, stretching his hands above his head and letting his head fall back. He stood up from his bed and grabbed a few clothes – a black pair of skinny jeans, his favourite The Killers T-shirt and his pair of black vans (without socks of course, who do you think he is) - before he went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. And if he sang Bohemian Rhapsody fully while he was in the shower, and even squeaked out the highest 'Galileo!'s, no one had to know.

After he was done taking his shower Louis quickly got dressed, because his 'quick' shower hadn't been that quick after all, he found out by checking the time on his phone and seeing that he only had about half an hour left.

While he was contemplating how he should style his hair for the day, he thought of what look Harry would like best. Hair up in a quiff, down with no product, or should he be fancy and style it into a cinnamon roll swirl? He quickly stopped himself after he realized what he was doing, and decided to just leave it be.

The walk to the part was pretty long, so Louis chose to leave for their friendly-pal-date a little early. He walked downstairs and quickly grabbed an apple to eat for breakfast on the go. When he saw Fizzy standing in the kitchen, he questioned, "Where are mum and dad?"

"They're out grocery shopping. Mum said they'd be back by one." She spoke softly like she always did. She was less outgoing than Lottie, Louis' other younger sister, and tended to be a bit more shy around new people. Louis used to be more like Lottie, but now he was worse than Fizzy.

"Okay, could you tell them I'll be out late when they come back? I'm seeing Harry today."

"Sure Lou, have fun"

Louis smiled at her, "Thanks Fiz."

After that put on his denim jacket and left for his and Harry's meet up. The walk didn't take too long, the weather was pretty nice for the time of the year, as it was winter. Louis had just become 20, and it wouldn't be long before Harry was 18 and they would go on their long-awaited trip to see the world together. They'd been talking about it for close to three years now, and the time had finally almost come.

To say they were excited was an understatement. However, with everything that was happening in Louis' head at the moment, the blue-eyed boy felt way less excited than before and was almost starting to dread the weeks he'd be spending with his best friend.

He took a bite of his apple as he thought about his future with Harry, where they'd finally explore new places together. Before he knew it, he had finished eating his apple and had almost passed an elementary school, which was about 20 minutes away from his final destination.

Looking at his shoes, Louis walked all the way to the park he and Harry met up every week. It had become kind of a tradition at this point, and it was one of the brightest sights of the week for both of the young men.

"Lou!" Louis looked up when he heard Harry call his name, and saw the curly haired boy running towards him from the other side of the street. When Harry had finally reached him after about three excruciating seconds, the green-eyed boy grabbed Louis and pulled him in for a strong hug.

"I missed you." He spoke with his gravelly voice, excitement clear as he spoke those three simple words that held so much meaning.

"You just saw me less than a day ago!" Louis chuckled, making Harry hold him even tighter before finally letting go.

"I know I did, but I still missed you. I always do when I'm not around you, Lou." He spoke softly, before grinning brightly at the older boy.

"So, what do you want to do today?" The excitement from earlier coming back as he looked Louis deeply in the eyes with those moss green orbs the blue-eyed boy loved so much questioningly.

"I reckon we could get some food and then go to the park finally, so we can talk about our weeks? I'd love to hear more about your cute bakery stories and weird dreams." Louis spoke those last few words teasingly, mirth to be seen in his eyes.

"Then we'll do just that, let's go," Harry spoke after eyeing him in suspicion, not knowing for sure if the older boy was speaking the truth about wanting to hear more of his stories and frowning faintly.

Louis grabbed his shoulders and looked him deeply in the eyes before he said, "Hey, wipe that frown off of your pretty face. You know I love... hearing your stories."

Harry blushed at the compliment and nodded before looking down before Louis engulfed him in another warm hug.

After they had let go of each other, finally, they went to get some fancy second breakfast together. Harry got banana chocolate pancakes, the ones he loved the most, while Louis just got some plain ones with maple syrup.

"A goud ewt dee aw day." Harry spoke, his voice sounding muffled because of the whole pancake he had stuffed in there.

"What're you saying you frog face? I can't hear you over that pancake you've got stuffed in there." Louis giggled with twinkling eyes, actually confused about what the curly haired boy had said.

Harry quickly swallowed his food before he repeated himself. "I said," he spoke, looking at Louis pointedly, "That I could eat these pancakes all day. I don't think I'll ever get bored of them."

"Talk to me again when you're fat and old." Louis chuckled, making Harry roll his eyes before he laughed too.

"My kids will think I'm a joke for sure."

The two boys laughed for a few seconds before Louis said, "Do you want kids?"

Harry nodded excitedly with wide eyes, "Of course! I love children. Their smiles always brighten up my day. Just like yours."

Louis looked at Harry questioningly. "My smile makes you happy?"

Harry nodded with a soft smile and a fond look in his eyes. "You make me happy."

Louis just looked down with a blush. So far, this not-loving-Harry-in-a-non-platonic-way wasn't working out too well.

The blue-eyed boy sighed before replying,

"You make me happy too."


	3. three

_**I'll meet you there, oh yeah, I'll fall too** _

" _But how can you not like bees_! They're so small and fluffy and they take care of us so well," Harry raised his voice as he spoke those words, and the people around them in the park were slowly getting annoyed by the two boys sitting there and talking loudly. The two had been there for a few hours now, as they had gone to the park right after they had finished their breakfast.

"Exactly! They're scary small creatures set on hurting us-" Louis messed with Harry, mirth in his eyes, keen on getting him annoyed and flustered.

"Lou- You don't understand, they're so precious. We need to save the bee!" Harry was exaggerated, with red cheeks and a small frown on his face as he spoke frantically, "You're a moron."

Louis just made an overly dramatic and hurt face and put his hand on his chest. "I am not a moron you dipshit!" He laughed with twinkling eyes, Harry eventually seeing the fun in their conversation and joining in on the laughter.

"Okay, so what if-" Louis started.

"No,"

"What do you mean no?"

"Every time you start with what if, we end up in some ridiculous scenario and I'm in some sort of trouble I don't need to be," Harry stated, looking Louis dead in the eyes with a grin spread on his face.

Louis looked at Harry dump smacked before deflating and muttering, "Okay that's true."

Harry chuckled and Louis just looked at him for a moment with a smile stretching his face, before he said, "Your hair's getting long,"

Harry bit his lip and looked down, then nodded before looking up and saying, "Do you reckon I should cut it?"

Louis sighed and shook his head, "I think you should do whatever you want. You'll look good either way and anyone who can't see that is stupid. Do what makes you happy."

Harry looked down again, and for a moment it was silent between the two boys. Harry opened his mouth as if he were to say something, but shut it again. Louis wondered out loud, "What is it?"

"You don't think I look like too much of a girl?"

Louis frowned faintly, "Who said that to you?"

"Just- people."

"Don't listen to them. You look beautiful as long as you're happy, Haz. I'll always be by your side."

Harry blushed and grinned big, his dimples popping out and eyes shining. He looked up again and into Louis' eyes, happiness radiating from him.

"Thank you, Lou. I don't know where I'd be without you."

"Same goes for you, Curly. You mean the world to me. You've helped me through such bad times and I don't think I would've made it without you by my side."

Louis' voice cracked a little, and he cleared his throat before continuing, "I can't thank you enough,"

Harry spoke up immediately, "That's what friends are for, Lou. I'll always be there for you, too."

Louis smiled another one of his happy smiles before he frowned again.

"But really, who said that you look 'too much like a girl'? I'd like to know their address- you know, just to talk."

Harry giggled before the grin faded off of his face and said, "A lot of people from school. Started calling me names 'cause I like 'feminine' stuff I guess. It's nothing big, don't worry about it."

"I will! I will worry about it, Haz. They shouldn't call you names like that. I don't want them to hurt you. Please promise you'll tell me if they do it again, okay?"

Harry just nodded faintly, looking down again.

"And fück gender roles anyway. Who needs them?" Louis added, Harry agreeing and smiling before looking up.

They just sat in a comfortable silence and took in their surroundings for a while.

"Martha asked how _we_ were doing yesterday," Harry spoke with mischief in his voice. Louis just looked at him with confusion written on his face.

"Why did you put emphasis on 'we'?"

"I think she thinks we're in a relationship," Harry giggled with his eyes closed before looking at Louis again.

"She what?" Louis stammered, eyes wide and whole body frozen in its place. He felt the same wave of nausea that he had felt earlier yesterday wash over him again, and a headache coming up along with dark thoughts.

"I know! I couldn't believe it either. I don't know why she'd think that, but she did say that we were cute together before I told her that we aren't together."

The blue-eyed boy turned his head and looked at the pond in front of them with a shocked expression, terror washing over him this time. Did people actually think he was gay? How could they when he'd only just figured out himself, and even promised himself not to be.

This what the thing he'd been so scared of; the possibility of hurting Harry and corrupting him, destroying his passion for life and kindness and with it, his innocence and beauty. Harry deserved the world, and Louis was slowly starting to realize that he wasn't the person to give it him.

"I- I've got to go," He didn't dare face Harry again, standing up quickly and grabbing his phone from where it'd been laying in the small space between them on the bench.

They had been sitting there comfortably, next to each other, close to each other. Now Louis couldn't bear the thought of sitting this close to the boy he adored so much again, for his sake.

"Already?" Harry pouted with big green eyes and a disappointed expression darkening his face. Louis just spared a mere glance at him before nodding and stammering frantically,

"Yeah, there's... stuff I got to do for work. Sorry Haz, I'll see you soon again."

It was nearing 4 in the afternoon, so they'd been there for a while. Still, Harry didn't understand why Louis had to leave so suddenly and therefore asked him, "Is it something I said?"

Louis stopped his frantic movements and turned around to face Harry, not quite looking him in the eye. He took a deep breath before speaking with a soft and slightly broken voice Harry recognized from his bad days before, "Never, Harold. I've just really got to go now, sorry."

Then he took a step back and hesitated for a second, almost looking the green-eyed boy in the eye but deciding against it, for it was for the better to leave Harry be for now, before turning around and walking away, not hearing Harry's faint and sad 'bye, Lou'.

His pace was fast, and he didn't dare look back. He knew that if he did, his heart would be broken by the sight of his best friend looking at him with that one expression of sadness and disappointment, and he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.

As he walked through the numerous streets of the little town he called home, anxiety prickled his skin. His eyes burned, he was blinking rapidly. With shaking hands he rubbed his eyes as he kept on walking, increasing his pace before he started running with numerous questions flooding his mind. His ragged breathing was getting louder with each passing second, and he could barely hear his own thoughts over the sound of it.

He was confused, angered, and so unbelievably scared. He hadn't ever thought something like this would happen, let alone right now. What if his parents heard from someone else who thought the same about Louis? What if they'd hate him for being the person he doesn't even want to be?

What if Louis himself hated himself for the person he'd want to be?

He'd been doing so well until now, his recovery seeming so close. Now he felt as if his whole world had collapsed again, and his own fragile heart was the cause of it. Why did he always have to screw things up, why couldn't he ever be normal?

Before he knew it, Louis was home and standing in front of the front door. He sighed deeply before turning the knob and opening it, immediately walking up the stairs to go to his room.

"Lou? Is that you?'

Louis stopped walking upon hearing his mom's voice. "Yeah, it's me!"

Footsteps were heard and in a matter of seconds, his mother was standing in front of him, smiling her bright smile.

"How has your day been?" Her voice was soft as she asked this, a concerned expression to be seen on her face. Louis had to fight and try to keep a grimace darken his and instead smiled at his mother.

"It was great, hung out with Harold for a bit. Yours?"

"Mine was good too, Louis. Dinner will be ready in a while!"

Louis nodded, "I'm going to my room, or do you need some help in the kitchen?"

Jay just laughed before shaking her head. "I think we both know that wouldn't be the best idea. Remember that time you burned water?"

Louis giggled before he said, "Okay, I see what you're getting at. No need to insult me!" The woman just shook her head and looked at him lovingly for a second, before she walked away with a smile on her face.

The blue-eyed boy continued his way up the stairs, after that quickly making his way to his room and sitting on his bed with his back to the wall, in the same position he'd fallen asleep in the day before. In a matter of seconds, his hands had started shaking and his bottom lip was trembling.

How had he let it come this far?

He never would've thought he'd be one of those kids, who were scared of everything and hated themselves with every fibre of their being. He'd been like that before, but now, with everything and every thought that was flooding his mind, it was worse than ever.

Harry had made Louis happy for a while, had managed to put a smile on his face whenever the blue-eyed boy saw the younger. He'd brightened up Louis' days and with that his life in such a short time.

It was too bad that Louis had messed up everything and destroyed what they had in such a short time, too. Just like he always had done, just like he always would do. Because Louis Tomlinson couldn't do anything right, he thought bitterly, shaking hands picking at his fingernails and pulling his hair as a way to try and stop his head from spinning and losing reality.

It was not even that being gay was bad. But that was when other people were. When it came to Louis, though, it was worse than bad. Everything was like that when it came to Louis. He could accept and love everyone no matter what, but even the thought of liking himself seemed so far away to the young boy.

Besides that, the fact that he was quite possibly, probably gay wasn't the worst part. No, like said before, it was the possibility and maybe even plausibility of hurting and losing Harry. He couldn't bear the thought of losing the one person he'd love forever, no matter what. The thought alone made him terrified, for he didn't know what he'd do and where he'd be without the curly haired boy by his side. Hurting him was even worse, though, and so Louis would rather not talk to him again and with that hurt himself than hurt the green-eyed boy.

Too late, because he'd already disappointed him and saddened him. So, Louis thought, it'd be better if they were to take a break from each other, so Harry could be happy again and so Louis could figure out how to stop loving the boy who he seemed to was meant to love with every fibre of his weak being.

His heart was pounding in his chest at his own discreet confession of love. Not knowing what to do and nearing a full blown panic attack, his first instinct was to reach for his phone and call Harry.

So he did, almost, before he was reminded of the decision he had made a mere minute ago: he wouldn't bother Harry again with his own weakness and stupid problems.

Exhaling shakily, he put his phone back down and his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut as familiar destructive thoughts flooded his mind as they had done a few months ago before Harry had found out and made everything brighter. Tears started rolling down his cheeks

Harry couldn't ever know, this time, because then he'd get worried and would try to protect Louis from himself, but how could he ever do that if Louis himself couldn't even try?

His phone rang, the ringtone he'd chosen specifically for Harry heard through his small bedroom. It used to make him happy, now it made a fresh wave of tears fall out of his eyes. Louis couldn't pick up the phone, knowing that hearing Harry's voice would make him surrender in a tenth of a second.

So he didn't pick up, and also not the second time, and after that, as he sat there frozen on his bed with wide eyes and shaking with every part of his body, also not the tenth, nor the eleventh time.

Harry gave up after about thirteen times. Then, he started messaging Louis quickly and frantically, afraid to lose the boy who, without him knowing, had already lost himself again.

_'Louis, I'm so sorry.'_

_'Can you pick up?'_

_'I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, Lou. I'm worried about you, please answer.'_

The messages stopped for a minute, and then the curly haired boy kept going, _'Lou, I miss you already. Is there anything I can do? I'm so sorry.'_

Louis sighed before picking up his phone and writing in harsh and painful words for both of them, 'Don't worry about me.'

He turned his phone off after that, not wanting to see the numerous texts Harry would send after his reply. He knew the younger boy well and knew that this would probably set him off even more. However, Louis just wanted to show him that he was there, even though he wasn't doing well, to try and not hurt him even worse than he had already.

Louis knew that he would probably shut off the younger boy soon, to try and save him from himself. He also knew that Harry would dislike him strongly for it because those were the two things their strong bond consisted of, and he'd messed that up like he always did.

_Honesty and trust._

When two hours later, with Louis still sitting in that same position on his bed, Harry called and Louis didn't pick up, the curly haired boy gave up, for now. Instead of calling the blue-eyed boy once more, he texted him a short message.

_'Can I at least visit you tomorrow so we can talk about this? I have no idea of what's going on and I'm worried, Lou. I care so much about you, please don't forget that.'_

Louis almost didn't want to reply, but still did anyway. He couldn't believe himself when he answered harshly, _'No, thanks'_

He could almost feel the younger boy's heartbreak through the small screen of his phone. He knew how sensitive Harry was. It was for the better, though, for Harry was way too precious and Louis knew he couldn't contain his heart and strain it from loving the boy when it had only just found it.

And like that, in a matter of seconds, Louis had started to despise the one thing he had always thought would make his heart bigger and mind stronger. Love was the one thing that everyone sought, and in one way, Louis had done too.

Now he knew, though.

He was lost, his heart was broken and his mind was corrupted by dark clouds which made him forget all about the good things life could bring. He stood up, walked the few steps to his nightstand, opened the last drawer with the key that hung around his bedpost, and grabbed _them_.

The fags, the cigarettes, call them what you like. With trembling hands, he stood there, the pack of sticks in his hands, and without a second thought, he also grabbed his lighter and opened his window to let in the cold winter air.

He went to sit in his windowsill and lit up one of the things. The blue-eyed boy smiled to himself with tears in his eyes as he inhaled for the first time. Bad memories came back in an instant, but he knew that these things could help him get over Harry, maybe, possibly.

He had promised Harry, before, when he was finally getting better, to never light up one single cigarette ever again. The curly haired boy didn't want him destroying his insides.

What he didn't understand was that Louis' insides were already destroyed by his rotten thoughts and a broken heart.

Louis took a drag from his cigarette and let the smoke fill his lungs like his thoughts did his mind. After a while, he breathed out and closed his eyes, looking out the window.

Harry's words from back then came back to him now. Fresh tears falling out of his eyes as he tried to push them away to the back of his mind, where all his once happy memories were.

_"A dream is only a dream, Lou. Until you decide to make it real."_

Louis wished he could make it real, he wished he could make himself go away. He wished he could make his thoughts go away, the pain go away. He wished he could make his heart stop hurting, he wished he could have Harry here, laying in his arms. He wished he could love Harry with his all like he was supposed to.

Instead, he wasn't even sure touching the end of his cigarette could warm him from the cold gaping hole in his chest when he spoke to himself with a soft voice and a broken heart to match, "I wish we could be stars instead. Shed our facade, and be just who we are - all broken and torn."

But how could hurt and forsaken stars ever hold any certainty for acceptance, and with it _love_?


	4. four

**_Shed our facade and be just who we are, all broken and torn_ **

_It had been a week._ Louis hadn't replied to any of Harry's messages and phone calls, for a whole week. It was the longest they'd even gone without each other, and to say that the tension between the two boys was building up, was an understatement.

Even though no words were ever spoken between them, the two felt and knew how the other felt and what this was doing to their friendship. They were supposed to be with each other and laugh about stupid things together, listening to The Script like they always did and make funny faces while the other was telling weird stories. They were destined to be friends, so how could something so simple and seemingly small hurt and affect both of them so much?

Harry had never been scared of many things, with his positive view on life and the things beyond, but what was happening right at that moment was one of the few things he was terrified of. Losing Louis, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on, the perfect person to cuddle with whenever and wherever.

The time, however, seemed to fly by despite the excruciating feeling of loneliness both of the boys felt. They were both busy with school and work and whatnot, but they still missed that one person they could always fit in and make time for in their tight schedule, to make their weeks brighter and to give them something,  _someone_ , to look forward to.

That was over when even more weeks flew by and the end of December was near, Louis' birthday around the corner. He couldn't bring himself to care, though. Caring about things was getting harder with each passing day, for the blue-eyed boy. It was as if not speaking to Harry and not seeing his blinding smile whenever he could sucked all the life that was left inside of him, right out of him.

Over the weeks, Louis had become sort of obsessed with figuring out multiple ways to become 'heterosexual', or as straight as the pole he once said he was, and so far nothing had worked out. He didn't know what else to do and was slowly starting to destruct himself piece by piece, his self-hatred getting the best of him.

For some reason, like he had been  _before_  when he was bad just like he was now again, he spent most of his time googling ways to hurt himself and save the world from himself. It was an unhealthy habit he had created months ago, and as he had slowly been getting better he had forgotten all about it. However, now that even the brightest days seemed dark in his eyes, he had picked it up and embraced it with everything he was and could be again.

He had found numerous sites discussing the topic, and he almost felt as if he could relate with the people on the site that searched for the same answers. He couldn't though, relate that is. Because he wasn't even gay in the first place, he had decided earlier. He was just looking for ways to strengthen his... heterosexuality and possibly save the people (or a certain curly haired boy) he loved from himself.

Reading almost every day about how research had found that attempted suicide rates and suicidal ideation among gay youth were significantly higher than among the general population, Louis was slowly starting to lose himself in the depths of his mind. The articles struck nerves and he felt ways he never would've thought he would feel.

He was hurt. Anyone who cared would've been able to see if he ever let down his guard a little more, shed his façade. Instead, all he naturally did was build even higher and thicker walls than he had before when he was bad too. Because back then, people had found out and had tried to help him, only to leave him alone to be with his dark thoughts again when they thought he seemed 'okay' again. Most people weren't to be trusted by the blue-eyed boy, as he knew that people could really have issues and hurt others easily.

So as Louis sat there, back in the windowsill where he now spent most of his days smoking cigarettes and reading different kinds of articles about homosexuality and becoming 'straight again', all he could do was wish with his heart for Harry to come rapping on his window and come home to him, even though in his head he would do anything to stop that from happening.

Right now, the blue-eyed boy was reading a new article, by a man who claimed to have once been 'gay'. He wrote that he despised the idea of loving men instead of women like he was taught to, and so decided to be straight.

Louis scoffed upon reading that, rolling his eyes. That didn't work at all, he knew from personal experience. He needed better tips, with these he wouldn't make it through another single day.

He almost wanted to click off, but then saw a few more articles in the 'recommended' section on the web page. One of them said 'How I became straight again by finding a girlfriend', and Louis was thoroughly interested.

The article started off just like every single other one Louis had read but gradually became more and more helpful. The guy who had written it talked about not having a single problem with gay people, in contrary to most of the authors of the other articles Louis had read, but only had a problem with being gay himself.

Louis could definitely relate to that, although he wouldn't ever admit that out loud.

After that, the guy wrote,  _"So I decided to start a relationship with a girl, so I could maybe start to learn to love her, and with that, women in general."_

To Louis, that seemed like one of the best ideas he had ever seen written down. He thought about girls he could possibly date to become straight again, but not one of his girl friends came to mind at first. He loved all of his friends in a platonic way, and it would be really weird for him to have to love one of them romantically, or at least try to.

Louis lit a cigarette while he thought about what he could do. He'd also been smoking more and more, and he was addicted again like he had never even tried to put down the nasty things.

Then his mind shifted to a certain brunette that used to have a crush on him through both middle and high school. He hadn't ever thought of returning those feelings, and especially not like this, but he could make this work. Well, maybe.

He quickly grabbed his phone and typed out a simple text message to the girl he had in mind, hoping she'd be up for hanging out soon so Louis could make his moves and finally be free and able to see Harry again. He sighed softly and frowned as he sent the message without thinking twice, so he wouldn't be able to talk himself out of it and stay there wasting away in his room forever.

_'Hey, Eleanor. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime soon? I thought it'd be great to catch up again :)'_

\-----

Louis was sat on the same bench in the park he and Harry had sat on a few weeks ago, waiting for Eleanor to arrive at their 'catch up-date' the next day.

The brunette had obviously said yes straight away upon receiving a text message from the blue-eyed boy and had been bugging him about it and texting him non stop all day. Louis was almost starting to regret his decision of choosing her.

"Louis!" He heard someone screech from behind him. Quickly turning around with wide eyes, he saw Eleanor standing at the other side of the street, not quickly making her way over to him. He quickly stood up, preparing himself for what was to come.

When she reached him she held open her eyes like they were long lost friends who hadn't seen each other in over ten years. Fun fact: they weren't, and so Louis had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes.

Instead, he put a smile on his face and hugged her, feeling her put her head in the crook of his neck like Harry used to do whenever they hugged or cuddled. The thought of the curly-haired boy almost made him frown, as he missed him so much. He had, however, wanted to meet up with Eleanor so he could get over him and his feelings for him, so why was he thinking of him now.

Eleanor pulled away from the hug and looked at him with a bright smile, seemingly very glad to see him again after that long time.

" _Lou_ , how have you been? We haven't seen each other in  _so_  long!"

Louis winced as she said his name like that, as only his family and Harry called him 'Lou'. When Eleanor said it, it felt weird and uncomfortable. As he opened his mouth to speak to answer the question, she just kept on talking and didn't even let him try to come up with some stupid excuse.

The brunette grabbed his left arm and pulled him over to the bench he had been sitting on, waiting for her to arrive, and just kept on talking about everything and nothing. All Louis could do was smile and nod at the right moments and ask himself why he had ever thought this would be a good idea.

Nothing about this felt right to the blue-eyed boy. He was supposed to sit here with Harry, this was their place. They were supposed to be comfortable around each other and enjoy the silences that sometimes hung like thick air between them. With Eleanor, even the most comfortable of silences felt overrated.

But he also was supposed to love girls, and not a boy, not his best friend. And that one contradiction could and would always outlive Louis' arguments.

"I really like your hair like that, by the way. A little longer – it suits you." Eleanor complemented with wide eyes before she fluttered her eyelashes and started touching her own hair, waiting for Louis to give her a compliment too.

Louis suppressed the urge to scoff and roll his eyes again. Was a compliment really a compliment if there was something else expected in return? The blue-eyed boy himself, however, also had asked the girl to join him with additional intentions though, even though she didn't know it. This was the least he could do for her.

"Eh, thanks El," He smiled at her awkwardly before thinking of what to say, "I like your- shoes." He coughed and cringed at his own words as she confusedly looked down at her shoes as if she didn't know which pairs she was wearing.

"Thank you?" She was silent for a moment before she started blabbering as she had before again, and Louis had never been that relieved before in his entire life to hear a girl talk about annoying things like Eleanor always did. "They're actually very old. I just thought I'd wear them since you told me we were going to the park and, well... Nature right? Ew."

She laughed while Louis just looked at her as if she had just grown a tail. He smirked to himself as he thought that wouldn't even have been worse.

For some reason, she was able to make the entire conversation revolve around herself again. Again, though, Louis was very grateful for that. He decided to ask her a few questions to get the words flowing again.

"So, what have you been up to these last months?" He spoke, seeing her eyes light up immediately at the chance to talk more about herself.

"I've applied for college, finally! I've always wanted to study Media Design and I feel like I'm ready for my life to change now."

Louis raised an eyebrow, impressed by the girl's plans, "That's great Eleanor, I'm proud of you!"

She smiled big and looked at him with a grin, "Thanks Lou, what've you been up to?"

The blue-eyed boy froze in his place and then looked down, hoping his moment of fear went unnoticed by the girl. It didn't though, but she didn't dare comment on it, afraid to mess things up. She decided she'd watch him more closely in the future so she could see what was wrong and maybe help him out. She had always cared for him, even when he didn't care at all about her. She hoped they could at least become the friends she'd always wanted them to be.

"I've been doing great!" The words sounded forced the second they came out of Louis' mouth, and he winced before looking her in the eye and saying seriously, "No, really. Just- Some things haven't been going smoothly between Harry and me."

Eleanor frowned and looked at him with something that looked close to sympathy. "D'you want to talk about it, maybe?"

Louis just smiled, appreciating the gesture but not wanting to burden her, and maybe even ruin their future together and therefore his and Harry's future. If the second one would even exist in the first place. He shook his head no and she just shrugged and smiled back.

"You can always talk to me if you need someone, though." She said softly, putting her hand on his arm, not noticing his tiny flinch. He missed Harry's touch, smell,  _smile_. Even though Eleanor had been nothing but nice to him ever since he met her years and years ago, nothing could top Harry and his Harry-ness.

"Thanks, El. Same goes for you." She smiled at him after those words before she looked straight ahead, another silence now hanging in the air between them.

Louis was starting to like Eleanor a bit better and was also starting to believe they could definitely be friends. It would, however, be very hard for him to develop romantic feelings for her, or any girl for that sake. He'd have to, though, for he wanted to save Harry from himself so they could enjoy their future together as  _friends._

His phone vibrated, making Louis aware that he had received a message. Not knowing from who it'd be, he unlocked his phone reluctantly. Within seconds he saw that it was a message from Harry, saying,

_'Hi Lou, just checking up on you. Are you okay? Your birthday is also coming up soon – d'you want to do something fun to celebrate it?'_

Louis sighed as he read the message over and over, before turning towards Eleanor, who had also grabbed her phone and was now scrolling mindlessly through Instagram.

"Hey, so I was thinking," He started, uncertainty clear in his voice as he waited for Eleanor to look at him. When she finally did he said, "D'you want to go on a date with me next week, maybe?"

She just looked at him with wide eyes, so he went on, "It's my birthday then and as I feel like we have some sort of chemistry between us it'd be a great time to see what we could be together?"

He had never thought lying could be this easy, if it weren't for the numerous lies he had told when he was bad, before.

Eleanor was still looking at him with wide eyes, silence hanging between them like a thick fog. Louis sighed, understanding that this wasn't going to end well, when-

"Ohmygod, yes!" Within less than a second she had thrown her arms around him, and was now hugging him tighter than ever. Louis, not really knowing what to do, squeezed his eyes shut and reluctantly put his arms around her as well.

After only a few seconds the hug was becoming extremely uncomfortable, unlike every single hug Louis had ever shared with Harry. Not that that mattered, though, because he had finally restarted his road to 'recovery' and to discovering the world with Harry. So, how could it be that he felt so down?

Eleanor then pulled away from the hug and looked at him again with a big grin stretching her face, saying, "This is amazing! I knew this day would come!"

Louis just chuckled awkwardly and mumbled something along the lines of 'me too'. At least, that's what Eleanor wanted to hear and therefore thought she had heard.

And so, as the two sat there on the bench that held so many memories that were once beautiful and now only painful, between two boys loved each other unconditionally and would forever, with her talking his ears about things he'd never care about and with him wishing to be able to reach out to the one he loved the most - Louis thought he'd seen the end of his sin and mistake.

As time flew by, however, he just couldn't stop himself from dreaming of his very own prince charming - who had beautiful moss green eyes, plump pink lips and the prettiest chocolate curls to ever be seen - to save him from the dark clouds, thick walls and prison in his mind he had created himself, and with it be his,  _sincerely._


	5. Chapter 5

_**Close your eyes and take the leap, to make-believe in fairytales** _

_Louis was gasping heavily_ , when he woke up from a nightmare and shot up from his bed in the middle of the night, fear to be seen in his wide eyes. He felt a chill run down his spine, along with a trickle of cold sweat. His heart was pounding with the adrenaline rush. The blue-eyed boy was disorientated for a few seconds, wondering whether what had happened was a dream or an actual incident.

It was a dream, he believed.

He wanted to pacify himself with a glass of cold water, but couldn't get himself to move – all this had left him cold and trembling in the darkness of the night. Louis closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath, heard the clock ticking on the wall like some sick kind of metaphor, to remind him that he was running out of time and it wouldn't be long before Harry was tired of him and his bull.

He knew that day would come too soon, but he also knew that it was his own fault if it really did. If Harry were to become tired of Louis and his stupid problems, Louis, of all people, would understand his decision and feelings completely. Hell, even Louis was tired of himself and his stupid and sinful problems.

Louis had been having the same nightmare for a while now, ever since the drama in his life and pain in his heart had started – back when he found out about himself and decided he'd change who he was, for the better.

He sat there, in the darkness, the heaviness of silence ringing in his ears. Trying to shut out flashbacks from the dreams and thoughts that had been spooking his mind just a mere three minutes ago.

The nightmare was always the same – paralyzed, cold,  _lonely._  Dark shadows had stood all around him, and though he hadn't been able to  _see_  whose shadows they were, he'd  _known._ It was everyone he cared about – his mother, father, sisters,  _Harry_. Some people from school and other family members had been there as well, but his memories of them were less vivid and frightening than the ones of his loved ones.

The shadows hadn't been doing anything but stand there, making soft and barely noticeable sweeping movements to a music only they could hear, letting Louis cower and suffer from the thoughts in his head and the knife of dark words seemingly stabbing him in the heart repeatedly.

After that, Louis would be guided by the voices of them who were standing all around him, telling him to go to the other part in his brain, to go through the doorway to a place where he'd be safe and they'd be saved from him. The blue-eyed boy would then, however, feel a sense of falling, as if entering a part of himself that was hidden, not to be seen by anyone ever. Perhaps he went the wrong way, or perhaps it'd be better for him to go the wrong way. No matter which path through his own head he took, it always came back to the phobia of his own heart and capability to love. There was only one way out of the mess he was.

All he knew is that he had yet to see what he was saved from – love or pain?

Squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his hands against his face while trying to block out all of that which he didn't ever want to hear, nor wanted anyone else to hear, the blue-eyed boy shook and trembled with all of his body. He couldn't figure out what he had ever done wrong for him to be this way.

His thoughts and feelings were so messed up, he kept having that same dream over and over, repeating itself like a mantra, every single night the same story and pain. It was only a matter of time before Louis was more silent than the grave the hurtful words he made up about himself arose from, and he would be staring with heavy-lidded eyes and a slack mouth at himself.

Louis turned on the bedside lamp and then rubbed his eyes again, grabbing his phone to see what time it was.

3:40 AM.

He sighed in frustration before swinging his legs over the side of his bed, then standing up and walking towards the bathroom that was attached to his small bedroom. Walking in there, he quickly flipped the light switch, making the chilly room light up so he could finally see a thing up ahead.

Louis turned to the right, washing his face with cold water to wake himself up a little more and scare the darkness away, hopefully.

He then looked up into the mirror, looking at his own reflection. Louis was disgusted and terrified by who – or what – he saw. If Harry were to see him know, and if he were to not know about anything that had been going on recently, he certainly would just by merely glancing at the blue-eyed boy.

His cheekbones accentuated his almost skeletal look and in his gaze, his own mind was robbed of almost all emotion, except hatred towards the person he had let himself become. Instead of running, or screaming, like he wanted to do the second he saw himself, he stood more still than any stone ever would.

Perhaps, with the love of both himself and that certain green-eyed boy, he wouldn't ever stand this still ever again. Perhaps with that special love, he'd be able to move freely and express himself as he'd always been scared of, like a star. Perhaps he and Harry could be stars.

And perhaps they could have been if it weren't for the self-destructive mindset of that specific blue-eyed star.

Still shaken up by his nightmare and own reflection, Louis stared into his own dull, once lively and ocean like blue eyes. How could he call it a nightmare, if it didn't leave his presence when he awoke?

He'd always been in awe of those who were able to accept and love themselves, living life to the fullest – seemingly without a worry in the world. Louis had always been too busy fighting his inner demons for him to see the true beauty of his twisted mind and fragile heart, his blue eyes that bared his soul and the soft smile that lay on his lips whenever he was watching Harry with a fond look on his face.

Louis felt alienated from himself. He understood that he was gay, and deep down had always known – but that didn't make him accept that part from himself, and he wasn't sure how he could do that. So, instead, he chose to try and strip himself from that single piece of him that deserved acceptance. He didn't want to get professional help in order to change his sexual orientation, though, and instead spent hours a day smoking his pain away and looking up way to turn straight, or even end it all.

Over the weeks, he'd been learning more and more about the LGBTQ+ community and its way with suicide. He read about other gay men losing themselves in the depths of their mind so often, and had almost accepted that that was his fate as well.

He had started to get obsessed with thinking about making an end to it all, writing the different methods other people were planning to use or maybe even had used already on post-it notes to remind himself of the many ways to choose his own ending to this never-ending nightmare of self-hatred, and with that hurting the people he adored. Smoking more and eating less with each passing day, Louis was slowly turning into one of the shadows from his dream. Shallow and lonely, swaying from side to side in the darkness he himself created but hadn't ever wished to create.

Sexual minority youth were more than three times as likely to attempt suicide as heterosexual peers. That thought was frightening, used to be. Now it seemed like this was his call.

Louis knew that this shouldn't be his only way out. He knew too much blood had flowed from the wrists of those people shamed for who they chose, or didn't even choose at all, to kiss. He knew this shouldn't be his choice, he knew he should accept himself. He accepted others for whoever they were, but he just couldn't do that for himself.

Louis couldn't grant himself that much respect, that much love when he didn't even know how to properly love in the first place.

Right now, there had to be at least forty coloured post-it notes scattered all around his room, covering his desk and some parts of the floor. Even though all of them wore descriptions of different ways, manners and theories, they all basically said the same thing.

_His end was near._

\---

Louis was awoken from his sleep by a sudden tapping, some gentle rapping at his bedroom door. Breathing out through his nose and rubbing in his eyes with a huff, the blue-eyed boy groaned and turned around, his back now facing the door as if it was some silent way to tell the intruder to leave him in peace.

The knocking came again, and Louis just grunted a soft 'no' as he frowned.

"Lou?"

A low gravelly voice Louis would be able to recognize out of thousands of others in a heartbeat spoke through the thin wooden door, making him sit up with wide eyes and tear streaks from that night on his once soft but now sunken in cheeks. His hair was tousled and dark bags were to be seen under his eyes.

He quickly stepped out of bed and grabbed a big black hoodie, probably one of the plenty he had stolen from Harry over the years, and it on along with a pair of black Adidas joggers. He walked towards the door in quick but small steps.

When he stood in front of the still-closed door, with his hand on the handle, he paused and squeezed his eyes shut to block all negativity that seemed to flow into the room from the window and breathed in deeply.

"Louis? Are you in there?"

He stayed silent, tears already forming in his eyes, not daring to say anything in case his shaky voice would give away his pain. The silence wasn't warm and comfortable, it was cold and felt detached like they weren't  _Louis &Harry_ standing there with a door in between them to keep them separated from each other. Instead, they felt like Louis, and Harry – standing there as strangers and not as one, standing with a door in between them to keep them from staring into the other's eyes with nothing to say.

"Never mind, I shouldn't have come here," The green-eyed lad sighed, "It was stupid of me."

Louis could hear the curly haired boy step back, and before he could blink had opened the door after feeling it give way, and with that the doors to his heart as well.

"Harry," He breathed.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Knock on my door boy, come home_ **

_Blue met green,_ and in that first second of really  _seeing_  each other for the first time in weeks, it seemed as if all of Louis' worries were dull and foolish. The two boys didn't do anything for a while, they just stood there looking each other in the eyes, both of them caught up in their own head with their own feelings of both joy and fear of the unknown.

It didn't take long for Louis' eyes to water, though, and in the blink of an eye Harry's instincts had kicked in had he was cradling Louis, his big and strong tattooed arms holding the smaller but older boy, holding so much warmth and pure love. Harry took Louis to his bed and, after closing the bedroom door, sat next to him, only to grab a hold of him again and press his nose in his neck to inhale his familiar scent like he always did when they hugged and held each other.

That action would've made Louis smile the brightest smile if he hadn't been so busy trying to hold back even more tears from flowing down his face.

He hiccupped slightly and felt the muscles in his chin tremble like a small child almost making him pout. It was his tears that kept both his soul and him feeling alive in the furnace of the excruciating pain he had inflicted on himself, in some way.

As he was held by the boy he loved so dearly, more than he had ever thought he would be capable of, the blue-eyed boy knew that his tears could extinguish what had been, yet only, hopefully, carry him forward until a time came when that searing pain in his frail heart was distant enough to forget more than remember. And maybe, one day erases itself from his brain, so only warmth and love could seep in through words and kind gestures created by the boy with the green eyes and chocolate brown curls.

That made Louis realize that perhaps it may be an oddity to thank his tears and be proud to cry and express himself like he wished to do someday, yet if that's what saved him from losing himself to the person he swore he'd never be again, a person seeking suffering and sorrow like a magnet – then crying was the smartest thing for him to do.

And so he did, the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face and making new tear streaks appear on his sunken in cheeks, dark shadows casting his face as they had never done before.

"Oh, Loubear," Harry spoke softly into his ear, still holding him tight as if he were afraid to lose the older boy again. "Have you been getting bad again?"

Louis said nothing, just buried his face deeper in Harry's shoulder, trying to calm himself down. That seemed enough for Harry, as he sighed and squeezed him even tighter before placing a small kiss on the blue-eyed boy's shoulder. The said boy froze in his place, but Harry didn't seem to notice, just whispering soothing words to help him calm down from his pain and fright.

"D'you maybe want to talk about it?" Harry asked him, gravelly voice making him feel more grounded than he ever had before that moment. He shook his head the best he could with him still being pressed against the younger boy's chest. They both sighed.

"Lou, you don't have to if you don't want to, I totally understand that," He paused to sort his thoughts before continuing, "And if you'd rather talk to someone else I also get that."

They broke their embrace and Louis looked at Harry in confusion, not understanding where he was headed.

"But I do think that you need to talk about this with  _someone_. I don't know what is going on at all, but I can see that it's eating you up from inside and gnawing at your brain and heart. Anyone could, Lou. I'm so worried about you."

Tears started gathering in Harry's eyes, but he pushed them away and kept staring at Louis with a strong look in his eyes, keen on making him understand his words and worries. The green in his irises seemed to flow and golden threads made them sparkle with that little part of  ** _him_**  he always carried. He could read Louis in one go, always had.

"I-I'll see, Haz." Louis' voice sounded broken and fragile, and he cleared his throat before looking down and then up into the curly haired boy's eyes again – he didn't know where to look.

Harry just smiled softly with sympathy that was not seen by the darkness in Louis' mind, in his eyes end nodded softly. "You will, Lou"

Louis smiled through his tears, and it was the closest to a genuine smile he could muster at that moment. Harry saw, but didn't comment and let him be.

"I'm so sorry I turned my back on you Haz, and I know it was the worst thing I could do-"

"It's okay Lou,"

"It's not! It's really now and we both know that. You've always been there for me when I needed you the most ant the minute something goes wrong I shut you out and just seem to forget about your feelings altogether. I've been making some damned shit moves these past weeks and you didn't deserve any of them,

"I'm sorry, Haz. I'm sorry for always letting you down and being selfish. My stupid problems won't justify my actions and I know that."

Louis looked down and closed his eyes for a second, trying to sort his thoughts and make what he was trying to say clear.

"What I'm trying to say is – I'm not a good friend. All I ever do is be mean to you, and, even though it's the last thing I want, hurt you only to turn my back on you after that. You deserve so much more."

There hung a heavy silence between the two of them after the blue-eyed boy's outburst, neither of the two boys knowing what to say to make it less uncomfortable. They both felt pain, so different, but actually the same as well.

They've both been let down – Harry by his best friends, numerous times, and Louis by his own heart, even more often than that.

Louis' heartbreak was grief because of the loss of himself that came in waves, stealing appetite and sleep alike, but still making him hungry for more pain and eternal sleep. It was a shard in his gut that never left, sometimes not noticeable in the slightest, other times making him cry out in agony. What had once been whole had been shattered by his own hands; where once was peace and love now was pain and heartbreak.

With each passing day, he stepped away from the person he had always wished to become and had once known he could be, even though he had asked his own heart numerous times to show some sign of caring, affection, love.

He'd lost his capability of loving himself so long ago, making him now wary of the possibility of ever loving anything again. It was frightening to not be able to give people the love they deserved so much, himself included.

"Louis."

He didn't dare look up.

"Louis, you're the best friend I could've ever wished for."

Now he did, with wide eyes and tears still flowing at a rapid pace, with red cheeks and furrowed eyebrows.

"Yes, you've hurt me and yes, I've thought about letting us go."

The tears started flowing more freely again, the blue-eyed boy being so scared of losing what he'd told himself he wanted to lose so badly. His own mind was confusing him – what did he even really want?

"I won't ever give up on what we have though. It's special and deserves to be acknowledged and treasured. Not left behind in the shadows of what we once were. I understand that you're not strong enough to do that right now. I'll always be waiting patiently for you, Louis. You're the only person I'll forgive over and over if that means that we'll live to see eternity together."

Louis let out a heart-wrenching sob at those words, not understanding why they were said but loving the boy who spoke them so dearly. He couldn't ever let him go, but still knew that a dark part of him wanted to.

"I'm so sorry Haz."

"That makes two of us."

They sat in comfortable silence for the first time in a while, Harry moving over to grab Louis again and hold him tight. Louis complied willingly for the first time in a while, and it made him blush one of the darkest shades of red his face had ever seen.

His phone rang thrice before the blue-eyed boy made a move to grab it. Upon seeing who was calling him, his heart stopped beating.

"Who is it?" Harry spoke from by his side, trying to see whose name was flashing on the screen of Louis' phone.

"My girlfriend."

Harry sat up straighter and looked at Louis with big eyes. He was hurt, and Louis didn't know why, but it broke his already broken heart and stomped on it.

Harry swallowed and asked, "What's her name?"

The older boy replied, ashamed of his own deeds, "Eleanor."

"Calder? You're dating Eleanor Calder?"

Louis couldn't speak up and just nodded.

"Well, congratulations, Lou. I'm happy for you." His voice sounded a little more broken than it had before and his eyes shone a little less bright. Louis had done the one thing he had always been so afraid of: he'd hurt Harry.

He had to take action but didn't know what he could possibly do set things straight.

Instead, he just smiled a smile that said 'thanks' with eyes that screamed for help and almost shed some more tears. Louis didn't think he had any tears left to cry after those few moments.

For the first time in a while, Harry didn't know what to say, and that hurt Louis even more. He'd broken one of the few things he loved the most about the green-eyed boy; his ability to always speak his heart and say the right things. Could he get any worse?

Then Harry stood up and spoke with the softest voice he could muster, "It's okay to feel lost. Hell, we all do. Please just-" He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued with glazy eyes, "Please just remember that if you want to find yourself, you have to let yourself  ** _be_**  found first."

Louis looked at him questioningly, then looking over towards his phone as it began ringing again. Eleanor's name flashed on the screen as it had before, and the older boy looked at it for a few seconds before looking at the curly haired boy again.

Harry stood there, almost curled in on himself. Louis had never seen him like this before. He was shocked and angry with himself for making Harry be like this. Where had his prince charming gone?

The curly haired boy had his eyes squeezed up and jaw clenched as he spoke his words of goodbye, "Sometimes you have to take the leap to make believe in fairy tales, Louis."

Not 'Lou' or 'Loubear'; he said his full name. Louis flinched.

"I'll be waiting for you to take the leap."

\---

Louis had been sitting in the same spot on his bed he had sat before Harry had left, storming out of the house, for over an hour before he let out a groan. He had to leave for his date with Eleanor in a few, yet couldn't even bear to think about doing anything other than smoking at the moment.

However, he stood up from his bed to grab his shoes, feeling numb and impossibly angry with himself. How had he ever let it come to this? He shouldn't have. He had to change his ways and solutions to 'not hurt people' as they only did the things he didn't want to be done in the first place.

Louis had been so caught up in saving his loved ones from himself and not hurt them that he had done exactly that. He couldn't keep living this lie, Harry had shown him that. It was time to be Louis again; not a frail shadow of who he could be, but the boy with the sparkling eyes and soft red cheeks he was.

He grabbed his phone, lighter and pack of cigarettes after he had put on his shoes and walked downstairs to walk through the front door, grab his bike he had thrown on the ground after coming back from his date with Eleanor  _yesterday_  and took off to a new chapter and part of himself.

It didn't take long before he arrived at the bench they had decided to meet up at. It was the same one they always sat on together, getting to know each other better and better.

Louis would lie if he said he didn't start to like Eleanor over time, as a friend of course.

Speaking of the devil, there she came walking towards Louis with the biggest smile on her face, glad to see him again after less than 24 hours apart.

"Lou! There you are! How are you?"

At least she didn't call him 'Louis' with rage, a locked jaw and fire in her eyes like Harry had a short while ago. Louis wished that made him feel better – it didn't.

"I'm good, El. You?"

She sat down next to him and kissed his cheek, not missing the way he flinched away from her touch. She frowned in confusion before answering, "Me too."

They were quiet, this meet up being different from all the other ones they'd had before this one. Instead of warm laughter and rosy cheeks now there was only an uncomfortable silence hanging between them.

To pass some time, Louis grabbed a cigarette and his lighter, going to light one of the sticks up before Eleanor huffed and grabbed the things from them and saying, "How many times have I told you to stop doing that. You're only hurting yourself and damaging your body."

How did she not know that was all he really wanted to do?

He rolled his eyes and looked at her pointedly, but she stared back at him angrily. He gave up, he didn't really give a damn about them anyways, he told himself.

"What is up with you today? Is it something I did?"

He stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong- here, you can smoke, do whatever you want. I shouldn't be so controlling."

"Eleanor-" Louis started but couldn't finish, he just looked at her pleadingly.

"What is it? Something's seriously wrong Lou. You can tell me anything. Seriously, we've been going out for almost two and a half months now. What is it?"

In that moment, Louis could swear dread owned him, pushing against him like an invisible gate, attempting to get him to back off. He wouldn't he had to do this.

It had his stomach locked up tight, his teeth locked together as if to prevent him to speak the words he had never thought he would ever say. But unless he could turn back time, change everything that made him who he was, drag the sun from the sky and make the world stop from turning – his time had come.

He turned his body so he could face her better, looking her deeply into her eyes.

"Eleanor-" His voice trembled, hands shook. He couldn't believe he was doing this.

He had to, to save what he and Harry had and stop living this lie that was getting harder and harder to believe for Louis himself.

He didn't see Harry walking away with slightly slumped shoulders and glazed over eyes, filled with unshed tears. The curly haired boy had been going on a walk to try and clear his head, only to have his heart snatched out of his ribcage  _again_  and be torn into small pieces.

"Eleanor," Louis squeezed his eyes shut while saying the next few words.

"I think- I think I might be  _gay_."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for deciding to read this! If you want more frequent updates, you can read this book on Wattpad here:  
> https://my.w.tt/F47rntmDYS :)


End file.
